Late Night Jokes: The Times Goes to Pot

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

• The New York Times published an editorial calling on the federal government to legalize recreational marijuana. They don’t really care about weed, it's just the only way they can keep selling papers.
• The Times said the government should legalize marijuana because the current laws against weed are useless and outdated. Then they said, “You know, like a newspaper.”
• This is cool. “Game of Thrones” announced that it is adding nine new characters for the next season. Aaaaaand they're already dead.
• Seventeen siblings from New Jersey just won $20 million in the lottery. When asked how they plan to spend the money, they said, "Remodeling the shoe we grew up in.”

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The Late Show With David Letterman

• According to the Centers for Disease Control, the largest single transmission of deadly germs is a handshake. You're lucky, because the most popular form of greeting here in New York is the middle finger.
• Congratulations to baseball great Joe Torre, Yankees manager for years and years, inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown. Torre thanked former girlfriends Kate Hudson, Cameron Diaz, Madonna, and Betty White.
• I hear there's trouble between Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. Friends say Kim has what they call the two-month itch. But apparently the trouble began somewhere between the words "I" and "Do."

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Jimmy Kimmel Live!

• The venerable New York Times published its first of a six-part series that calls for federal legalization of marijuana. You remember newspapers, those things we used to read before BuzzFeed asked us which sandwich we were.
• The Times editorial board argued, after weighing the pros and cons, the scale tips in favor of legalizing marijuana nationwide. You know how long it's going to take people to finish the New York Times crossword puzzle NOW?
• Comic-Con wrapped up over the weekend in San Diego. If you don't know, Comic-Con is the world's largest gathering of people who know the difference between a modem and a router.
• According to Time magazine, the number of women attending Comic-Con has doubled in the last five years — it went from four to eight.

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Late Night With Seth Meyers

• The New York Times came out in favor of marijuana legalization. Apparently, someone told them that marijuana users are really into “buying papers.”
• Supporters of former Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez have released a new font in the style of his handwriting. Although I’m surprised he wrote anything by hand since he was so used to dictating.
• A restaurant in New York has created the Rice Burger, which replaces normal burger buns with rice patties. The restaurant also replaces customers with empty chairs.
• Last week a man in Florida was arrested for trying to steal sushi that he had shoved down his pants, although I bet the wasabi was punishment enough.