The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
- Yesterday Toronto Mayor Rob Ford attended his first city council meeting since he got back from rehab. He said, “It's great to be back, but man, these things are boring when you're sober.”
- Rob Ford attended his first city council meeting. But it got weird when he said, "Hello, Toronto City Council!" And they said, "This is Buffalo, sir . . . And you have to put a shirt on."
- Target Field in Minnesota will have self-serve beer machines at the All-Star Game next week. Big deal. My dad had a self-serving beer machine 30 years ago. It was called "Jimmy."
- This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I'll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
Late Show with David Letterman
- It's summer in New York City. It's 91 and steamy — like Joan Rivers!
- The oldest living person in the United States is 116 years old. People always pester the old people. They asked her, "How did you get so old? What's your secret?" And the woman said, "Well, I was born a really long time ago."
- She is 116 years old. She's so old her first pet is extinct.
- They asked the 116-year-old woman, "Do you have any regrets?" And she said, "Yeah, I wish I hadn't left 'The View.'"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
- On this day in 1776 in Philadelphia, the Liberty Bell rang to announce the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence. Philadelphia's called the City of Brotherly Love. The name comes from the Greek word "filla," meaning brother, and "delphia," meaning cheesesteak.
- Cheesesteak is the dish Philadelphia is known for. I don't know what dish we're known for here in L.A. It may be kale salad that you can eat and then throw up later because you have an audition.
- A Philly cheesesteak is made of steak, bread, cheese, onions, and a complete disregard for your health.
- The baseball team in Philadelphia is the Phillies. I always thought that was kind of a lazy name. It's like calling a team the New York Yorkies or the Atlanta Ta-Ta's.
Late Night with Seth Myers
- A new rumor has surfaced that the next iPhone will feature an all-glass exterior. Because why should just the front be cracked?
- According to a new report, millennials view smartphones as more important than deodorant. That makes sense. Nobody ever totals their car because they were staring at their deodorant.
- This summer New Yorkers will be able to order delivery food to sunbathing spots in Central Park. Although if you have to order delivery to the place where you’re sunbathing, you probably shouldn’t be sunbathing.
- A Ugandan police officer claims he was forced to shoot an aggressive tortoise that attacked him while he was drinking tea at home. In his defense, he had to act quickly, or move over a few feet and weigh his options for another hour.
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