The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
- President Obama is giving the NSA new guidelines on gathering data on American citizens. He says the NSA can no longer violate anyone's constitutionally protected right to privacy. That, of course, will be Target's job.
- According to a new study, smog is drifting across the Pacific Ocean from China and polluting our West Coast. Can't we make anything in this country anymore?
- Here’s something I find hard to believe. Anthony Weiner makes between three and four hundred thousand dollars a year as a political consultant. Anthony Weiner! How bad are you doing in the polls when you start saying to yourself, "What would Anthony Weiner do now?"
- It's now being reported that Ponzi scammer Bernie Madoff was hospitalized last month for a heart attack. The bad news? He lived.
- You want to be careful if you gamble on the Super Bowl. Last year I made a Super Bowl bet with Jimmy Fallon. I think we know how that turned out.
- In Atlanta, people are still complaining about the slow response to the icy roads and snow. I don’t think the governor helped himself any. His excuse was, "Emergency crews would have been there sooner, but there was a storm."
- It is still cold all across the nation. It was so cold today that Al Gore called global warming a hoax.
- Ratings for President Obama's State of the Union address were the lowest in 14 years. The speech drew 33 million people, which is still pretty good — considering it was a rerun.
Conan
- The smog from factories in China is traveling across the Pacific and now is hitting the U.S. So now even our smog is made in China. We don't even have American smog anymore.
- We need rain. Governor Jerry Brown has declared California to be in a state of drought emergency. So ladies, when I ask you to take a shower with me, I'm just trying to conserve water.
- Chris Christie is getting a lot of support from New Jersey's Hispanic community. Some Hispanics like his moderate conservatism while others believe if you hit him he'll break open and spill out candy.
The Late Show With David Letterman
- Meteorologists say New York City is experiencing “blizzard-like conditions.” I'm no expert, but by gosh, isn't that a blizzard?
- There are no snow plows in the city. They couldn't get across the George Washington Bridge.
- Snow removal crews ran out of salt. You know who I blame? Mayor Bloomberg. He always wanted a low-sodium diet.
- Scientists have come up with beer-flavored jelly beans. I know what you're thinking — call the Nobel Prize people. Thank God I no longer have to soak my jelly beans in Dos Equis.
- Sunday is Groundhog Day, coincidentally with Super BowlSunday. I'm very excited. I get up early on Groundhog Day. I stuff the groundhog and I put it in a medium oven, and I'm ready to go.
- Everybody is very excited about the Super Bowl. You know, they say it's a predictor of the Academy Awards.
- Paul and I have been together doing this show for 32 years, and it is more or less the same show we started at NBC. Yes, at NBC things were going along great, and then I got fired. They caught me parking in Tom Brokaw's spot.
- It's now 49 cents to send a first-class letter. I hope this will cut down on my hate mail.
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
- A thousand private jets are planning to land in New York for the Super Bowl. New Yorkers said, "Well, at least SOME Jets are headed to the Super Bowl."
- Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are thinking about having their wedding at the Palace of Versailles in France this summer. I think they really need to read up on what happened to the last couple who lived there.
- Amazon is working on a new pay-TV service that is being referred to as the “TV killer.” Which incidentally is also what my dad calls my show.
- Target just announced that it is dropping health insurance for part-time employees and they’re blaming it on Obamacare. I guess now if Target employees need to pay for healthcare, they'll just have to use their customers' credit cards.
- A zoo in Utah says that its ape named Eli has chosen the Seahawks to win the Super Bowl. Which means Peyton Manning now has TWO Elis quietly rooting against him.
- The NFL announced that veteran referee Terry McAulay will lead the referee crew at Sunday’s Super Bowl. So if you had him in your referee pool . . . please contact Gambler’s Anonymous. You have a problem.
- House Republicans unveiled a new plan that would allow undocumented immigrants to become citizens if they learn about American history. Which will be great, because then they can teach it to Americans.
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
- Sunday is the Super Bowl. As I like to call it, "the Oscars for straight people."
- I like the Broncos' logo. It is aggressive. There is nothing like a severed horse head to show the opponent you mean business.
- It is amazing that both Peyton Manning, Broncos quarterback, and younger brother Eli Manning grew up to be NFL quarterbacks like their dad. I have two sons. If they someday both end up hosting late-night talk shows, that will make me unbelievably sad.
- It is the Broncos vs. the Seahawks. That raises an interesting question. What is a Seahawk? A hawk that somehow learned to swim? Or a mutant fish that has grown wings?
Comedian Argus Hamilton
- Joe Biden struck again Friday while responding to Bob Gates' assertion that he's been wrong about foreign policy for forty years. Throughout his rebuttal, Joe referred to Bob Gates as Bill Gates. Last night Joe Biden's train of thought derailed, there were no survivors.
- The White House received a petition with one hundred thousand signatures Thursday calling for Justin Bieber to be deported. That would require an executive order. Even the Tea Party is asking President Obama to screw the Constitution and rule by decree on this one.
- The Super Bowl enjoyed a nice weather break Sunday in East Rutherford. The kick-off temperature was forty degrees with no wind, absolutely perfect for New Jersey. That's comfortably above freezing, but not so warm fans can smell Jimmy Hoffa under the end zone.
- L.A. hotels asked maids not to begin work till noon Monday to give Super Bowl partiers time to wake up. Last year the maids found revelers passed out on the floor, arched face-up over the coffee tables, and upside down on the sofas amid all the bottles. It's called Irish yoga.
- Amanda Knox was convicted in Italy again of stabbing her college roommate to death in a sex game. She was convicted by one court, acquitted by the appeals court, then convicted by the High Court. Italy's judicial system is just like the Mafia, you just think you are forgiven.
- Miami's toxicologist reports Justin Bieber was on pot and Xanax when he was arrested last week. His blood showed no coke, no alcohol and he was driving twenty-seven miles an hour in a Lamborghini. If he were a fish the cops would have thrown him back into the water.
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