- President Obama is in Russia. You know what he's doing there? I think he’s seeking asylum.
- The president cancelled a fundraising trip to California next week because of the Syria situation. That's when you know this is serious.
- On Tuesday President Obama is planning to address the nation. Instead of calling his plan to attack Syria “a war,” he is calling it a "limited military intervention" — which sounds better than "potential endless quagmire."
- John Kerry said during the Senate hearing that we are not the world's policemen. Really, then how come we eat most of the world's donuts?
- President Obama is going to address the nation on Syriatomorrow night, which means here on NBC “America's Got Talent” will be delayed by “America's Got Problems.”
- President Obama is talking tough. He said he will not rest until Syrian President Assad's power has been reduced to the point where he’s on "Dancing With the Stars."
- Samsung has unveiled its new smartwatch. It will go on sale later this month in 140 countries. It's a smartphone wristwatch. Experts say this could revolutionize the way senators play poker at Senate hearings.
- New York Fashion Week is in full swing. This is a time when today's hottest models show off all the latest eating disorders.
The Late Show With David Letterman
- Do you have the new iPhone yet, the new iPhone 5? You'd better get the new iPhone 5 because you're not going to see another one for . . . three, four months.
- The kids are going back to school. When I was a kid, you used to take an apple to school for the teacher to get on her good side. Now you send over a drink.
- It's Fashion Week here in New York City. This morning, on the subway, I was beaten up by a teen gang of fashionistas.
- I saw a supermodel this morning holding a sign. Here's what the sign reads: "Will starve for food." Does that make any sense?
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
- It's a great day if you like football. Who doesn't? Al-Qaida, that's who doesn't! They say, "Sorry, it's too violent."
- The NFL season kicked off last night. Football is for people who can't stand politics but still enjoy watching millionaires destroy each other.
- L.A. doesn't even have a football team. It's just sad. The only other major American city that doesn't have professional football is Oakland.
- A lot of people are picking the Denver Broncos to go to the Super Bowl. I like Denver. You fly there, get to the altitude, stop and get out. If people from Denver are on a plane and there is an emergency and the masks drop down, they say, "No, we're good. It's fine."
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
- Last night a new NFL season began. On Sunday, hundreds of thousands of American men begin five long months of wagering their hard-earned money so they can buy their wives that Valentine's Day gift.
- The opening game took place between the Broncos and the Ravens. The Broncos won. Peyton Manning beat the all-time record with seven touchdown passes. He even threw ME a touchdown and I was at home.
- So now maybe Peyton Manning will finally get some commercial endorsements, right?
- Dennis Rodman left for North Korea last week. Unfortunately, he came back.
- Rodman went to North Korea for a second time to meet with his friend Kim Jong Un. Is it possible that Kim Jong Un thinks that Rodman is President Obama?
- Rodman claims that he was asked to train the North Korean basketball team. He said the team is hungry. Not for players, for food.
- This Rodman friendship is beyond the imagination. Not since Hitler and Seabiscuit has there been a more unconventional athlete-dictator relationship.
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
- Football is back. After seven months of waiting, last night's NFL season opener between the Ravens and the Broncos was actually delayed for 34 minutes because of lightning in the area. Apparently God said, “No Tebow? No football.”
- Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt said that he plans to retire after the 2016 Olympics in Brazil. When asked what he'll do after he retires, Bolt said, “Walk.”
- A woman in England claims that her female cat is about to celebrate her 28th birthday, which would make it the oldest cat in the world. You can tell the cat's getting really old because it just got a cat.
- Yesterday the New York Jets won their season opener against Tampa Bay. Yeah, the Jets won. The Buccaneers' coach said, "I don't know what happened out there," while the Jets' coach said, "I don't know what happened out there."
- Serena Williams won her 17th Grand Slam title at the U.S. Open. I haven't seen that many Grand Slams since Chris Christie went out to Denny's with me the other night.
- President Obama did six TV interviews today to explain his decision to strike Syria. Yeah, six. Even Ryan Seacrest was like, “That guy's on too many shows.”
- Officials in Iowa are facing criticism over a new law that lets blind people own guns. The law has actually received support from two major groups: the NRA and deer.
Conan
- Tokyo has been named the host of the 2020 Olympics despite concerns about the radiation leak. That explains the Tokyo Olympics official mascot — a three-headed Hello Kitty.
- Las Vegas is about to unveil what will be the world's largest Ferris wheel. They are billing it as a new way to throw up on the streets of Las Vegas.
- In Iowa, blind people are now eligible to receive a gun permit. Blind people say it's time they had a chance to express themselves with something other than jazz.
- The fiance of Miley Cyrus is considering breaking it off in part because of her performance at the VMAs. He told Miley, "I'm sorry, but our relationship isn't twerking."
Comedian Argus Hamilton
- Peyton Manning threw seven touchdown passes in the NFL season opener Thursday in a Denver win. He tied an NFL record. After the game President Obama telephoned the locker room and asked Peyton if his neck surgeon knows anything about foreign policy.
- L.A. Lakers former star Lamar Odom was reportedly getting treatment for his alcohol and crack cocaine use. It's a local program. When his psychiatrist heard he'd married one of the Kardashian women, he wrote Lamar a prescription for the alcohol and the crack.
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