Late Night Jokes: Heat Wave Hits Paula Deen

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

• It was so hot in L.A. today that you could cook a tofu-based cruelty-free egg substitute on the sidewalk.
• Six half-marathon runners were hospitalized yesterday for running in 100 degree heat. They were rushed to a mental hospital.
• On Saturday Phoenix had its fourth hottest day in 110 years. The high was 119 degrees. The low was 91. 119 to 91. That's not a temperature range. It's a basketball score.
• A funeral home in Virginia added a drive-thru. You drive up to the window, view the body, and then drive to the next window to pick up your fries.
• Now you can pay loved ones the same kind of respect you'd pay an Egg McMuffin.
• It's a great way to say I care but not enough to get out of my car. The owner said he's trying to keep up with the times. Which makes sense because drive-thru food is probably what killed a lot of these people.

Comedian Argus Hamilton

• ABC News reported Friday that Paula Deen will host two cruises this year which will sail to the fabled ports in the Caribbean Sea. Her two cruises quickly sold out. The first stop is in Santo Domingo when everyone has to get off the ship and work the sugar harvest.
• Paula Deen's New Testament Cookbook hit number-one on Amazon's bestseller list Thursday, sending her royalties through the roof. You have to take the good with the bad. The same day Paula Deen was dropped by WalMart for being too kind to her workers.
• Harvard ran a poll which found that Fourth of July celebrations tend to turn children into conservatives. The survey really had to alarm educators. It just takes a fireworks show and a patriotic speech to undo a hundred and eighty days of public school education.
• The Weather Channel reported a brutal heat wave boiled the South and the West all weekend. The record high temperatures extended to the Eastern Seaboard. It was so hot in New York City that James Gandolfini's funeral procession pulled into a Dairy Queen.
• Rap star Chris Brown was charged with hit-and-run Friday after he smashed his car into a Mercedes Benz in the San Fernando Valley. Your reputaion precedes you wherever you go. Police took one look at the damage and asked Chris if he was dating the Mercedes.
• The New England Patriots cut Aaron Hernandez after he was charged with execution murder. His past gang activity points out the gang infestation in the NFL. Last season five receivers refused to run corner routes against Baltimore because it was a Crips corner.
• The Tour de France started Saturday on the race's one-hundredth anniversary. The French assured the world no one's doping this year. It's the most natural thing in the world for men to be able to pedal up the Pyrenees faster as they approach the age of forty.
• Nancy Pelosi told Democrats to unite behind Hillary for president Friday. Comedians stood and applauded. It's going to require more than everybody's faith in Hillary to restore the glory days of the Clinton Era, it's going to require everybody's faith in Cialis.
• Jeb Bush, it was announced Friday, will present Hillary Clinton with the Liberty Medal in Philadelphia this fall. She's won honors all her life. When Hillary was a girl playing church league softball in northside Chicago she led the league in crooked real estate deals.
• President Obama visited Robben Island in South Africa where Nelson Mandela was once imprisioned. He was a highly original thinker. Nelson Mandela spent twenty-seven years in jail before entering politics, whereas most politicians do it the other way around.
• The U.S. Senate passed an immigration bill which hires twenty thousand new Border Agents and builds seven hundred miles of fence. It prompted a land rush in border crossing. Even during sex, Mexican sperm is entering the fallopian tube by way of Arizona.
• The Smithsonian Museum acquired its first full dinosaur skeleton Friday for the new dinosaur hall on the National Mall. It's all party politics. The Democrats got a statue of Martin Luther King on the Mall and in exchange Republicans got the Museum of Oil Origins.
• NSA fugitive Edward Snowden stayed last week inside a Moscow Airport hotel room in the transit concourse in a diplomatic no-man's-land. The only food available to him was from the Burger King and Cinnabon in the concourse. The good thing about being in a diplomatic no-man's-land is that Mayor Bloomberg has no jurisdiction over the restaurants.