- In the Northeast it's just ice cold. Officials are worried all the snow and freezing temperatures could really put a strain on hospitals. Not now, but in nine months when every woman in Boston is giving birth at the same time.
- The mayor of Boston actually had to issue a statement yesterday telling residents to stop jumping from their second-story windows and rooftops into giant piles of snow. Do not do that at home unless you have a camera ready.
- Chris Christie addressed recent stories about his change in personality and said, “There's only one Chris Christie.” He said the only time there are two Chris Christies is when he's buying seats on a plane.
- There's a 37-year-old woman from Utah who's trying to break the Guinness world record for most bridal bouquet catches after she just caught her 46th bouquet. That's in addition to that other record she holds — most Ben & Jerry's eaten on Valentine's Day.
Conan O'Brien
- President Obama has appointed a new head of the Secret Service. The new Secret Service director was so excited that he jumped over the White House fence for joy.
- The restaurant chain Salad Works has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Analysts attribute the failure to it being a salad restaurant located in America.
- The USDA has approved the first genetically modified apples that don't turn brown after being sliced open. The no-browning apples are being called groundbreaking, revolutionary, and slightly racist.
- The 1990s' rapper Vanilla Ice has been arrested on burglary charges. Ice's lawyers say they can prove their client's innocence, but not his relevance.
- Maybe some of you folks were here for the dog show. We have a brand new champion. And as usual, the dog from Kenya won.
- They had a lot of exotic dogs at the dog show, like for example the English Cumberbatch.
- One of the dogs in the competition, a Portuguese Water Dog, is related to President Obama's dog, Bo. But they only see each other at funerals and weddings.
- Baseball is around the corner and the Yankees have their hands full with Alex Rodriguez. He was suspended for all of last year from baseball, and the Yankees paid him $3 million. By God, that will teach him.
- It's a big day for Catholics today. It's Ash Wednesday. Thank you for not giving me up for Lent.
- Little Caesars is about to deliver a bacon-wrapped deep dish pizza. It's a pizza with three and a half feet of bacon wrapped around it. I think we've reached a point as Americans where normal pizza has become too healthy for us.
- Regular pizza is now salad compared to pizza wrapped in bacon. We had to up the ante.
- We will not stop until we've created a pizza that leaps out of the box and pulls our hearts directly out of our chests.
