The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
- Over the weekend Vladimir Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow to celebrate Crimea joining Russia — and also the fact that he had Stanford beating Kansas in his March Madness pool.
- That’s right, Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow. Either that or one of Putin’s rivals tried to start his car.
- Today President Obama was in the Netherlands for a nuclear summit with 50 other world leaders. Putin didn’t even attend. He sent his foreign minister in his place. He said he doesn't want to visit any country he can't keep.
- This year marks the 50th anniversary of Disney’s “It’s a Small World” ride. But they're making some changes to it. They're making the Russian section much, much larger.
- First lady Michelle Obama and her daughters Sasha and Malia are visiting China for the next week and the president said the White House feels very lonely without them. Then he said, looking around, “OK, I think they bought it. Time for some March Madness, baby. Let’s do it!”
- A new iPhone app lets people in large cities reserve parking spots in advance. The way it works is you reserve the parking spot, and then other drivers don’t care.
- This week scientists revealed that a massive solar blast narrowly missed the Earth back in 2012. Or as the Mayans put it, "Almost told you so."
- Starbucks is coming out with a new tea inspired by Oprah Winfrey. In a related story, they're also coming out with a cup holder inspired by Stedman.
Conan
- While in China, first lady Michelle Obama commented on Chinese censorship. Or as the Chinese news reported it, Michelle Obama greatly admires Chinese censorship.
- Mark Zuckerberg has reportedly invested millions of dollars into a computer that can speak and think as a person. The computer is known as "Mark Zuckerberg."
- In Michigan, a funk band has made money off an album of complete silence. You hear that, Nickelback? It can be done.
The Late Show With David Letterman
- Let's talk about March Madness. It starts out with 68. Then it goes to 32. And then it drops to 16. You know what it's like? It's like President Obama's approval rating.
- In March Madness, when No. 3 Syracuse was eliminated, I heard people say the Orange had been eliminated. They said the Orange and the first thing I thought was something happened to Speaker of the House John Boehner.
- President Obama now is meeting with the G-7 leaders. Can you name all of the G-7? I try but I always forget Bashful.
- When Obama meets with the G-7 leaders it must be fun for him to put faces to the voices he hears on the wiretaps.
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
- It's a great day if you love magic and illusion because it's Harry Houdini's birthday. He was born on this day in 1874. Or was he?
- There's a difference between an illusionist and a magician. The word "magician" is from the Greek word "Mageaia," meaning "One who wears a top hat and cape, and looks a bit like a gay vampire."
- An illusionist is one who shows you something that defies the laws of nature, thus creating anxiety. It is something that creates a weird feeling in your stomach, like Bruce Jenner.
- Harry Houdini was an illusionist. But he was also the president of the Society of American Magicians. He was a popular president. For a while, anyway — until he passed HoudiniCare.
- Oprah Winfrey sold her old studio, Harpo Studios. They say it's haunted. On a cold, moonless night, you can hear ghostly whispers of cars being given away.
- Apparently Oprah sold her studio because she decided to get rid of things she doesn't use anymore. Next up: Stedman.
- Every now and again when I do this show, I wait for an adult to come along and fix it. It's not going to happen.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
- Mitt Romney suggested that he had a power to “see the future,” and could have stopped Russia from invading Crimea if he had been elected in 2012. Though if he could really see the future, he wouldn’t have run for president in 2012.
- In an interview with “Meet the Press,” former President Jimmy Carter said he won’t send emails because he believes the NSA is reading them. And also because he can’t find the “send” button on his typewriter.
- Three elephants escaped from a circus in suburban St. Louis, and before they were captured they damaged two vehicles, injuring over 50 clowns.
- Today is the first day of spring. And just in time, because yesterday was the 400th day of winter.
- Kobe Bryant told ESPN that he thinks President Obama could make the Lakers roster this year. I don’t know about that. He’s a good shooter but he can’t seem to pass anything.
- This morning Toronto Mayor Rob Ford tackled a journalist on his way into City Hall. The craziest part of the story is that Rob Ford is still going to City Hall.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
- A lot of time is wasted on office pools for the college basketball tournament. A global company said 50 million Americans participate in March Madness and companies stand to lose $1.2 billion every hour because of it. That is crazy, right? If that's true, we need to get rid of it. And President Obama shouldn't be filling out brackets.
- Apparently pizza sales are way up during the NCAA tournament. I didn't think pizza sales could go up. I thought we were eating at our pizza peak right now.
- Productivity is down and pizza sales are up. If that isn't 50 years of America in a nutshell, I don't know what is.
- Sweden and France have developed technology that allows cars to detect the emotions of their drivers. The system uses an infrared camera to determine if you're upset. The car will beep and flash a warning light, telling you to calm down. Nothing soothes an angry driver like a loud beeping sound and warning light.
