Late Night Jokes: Putin's Rise of an Empire

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

• The big movie this weekend was "300: Rise of an Empire," which came in No. 1 at the box office, making $45 million. It's about a ruthless leader trying to expand his territory through any means possible. Or as Vladimir Putin calls it, "The feel-good movie of year!" 
• Putin is kind of freaking everybody out right now. There’s this standoff with Russia over the situation in Ukraine. And on Saturday, President Obama called the leaders of Britain, France and Italy to talk about the crisis, which also marked the first time ever that world leaders actually knew Obama was listening to them on the phone. 
• California is considering a new bill that would ban Sea World's killer whale shows for humane reasons. They say that killer whales are far too intelligent to perform for people's entertainment. Then I was like, "What does that say about me?" This is inhumane, what's happening right now with me. 
• Of course it was last night’s big finale of "True Detective" on HBO. And get this — so many people were trying to watch it, they actually crashed HBO’s streaming website, HBO Go. Yeah, the site just stopped working. Then out of habit, President Obama issued an apology. 
• And finally, this weekend marked the 55th anniversary of the Barbie doll. It's hard to believe that Barbie's 55 years old, but you gotta figure eight years of medical school, three years of law school, 10 years of astronaut training — it all adds up. 

Conan

• Yesterday was Daylight Saving Time, when we lose an hour for no apparent reason. By the way, losing an hour for no apparent reason is also the motto for this show. 
• President Obama was paying tribute to Aretha Franklin when he messed up the spelling of her iconic song "Respect." President Obama blamed his speech coach, John Travolta. 
• Over the weekend, North Korea held elections. Kim Jong Un was re-elected with 100 percent of the vote. Kim Jong Un credits his win to the slogan: Vote for me or you will be murdered. 
• While working on the L.A. subway, construction workers discovered fossils from the Ice Age. The fossils belong to the last creature to ever use the Los Angeles subway.

The Late Show With David Letterman

• The mayor of Toronto, crack-smoking Rob Ford, sent out a tweet about Daylight Saving Time reminding people to turn their clocks back. In fact, you're supposed to turn your clocks forward. And then he tweeted back and he said, "Well, who cares what I'm talking about. I'm on crack!" 
• Russian President Vladimir Putin claims that Russia did not invade the Crimean Peninsula. Then what are those tanks — part of a traffic study? 
• North Korean leader Kim Jong Un won re-election with 100 percent of the vote. They say that when the absentee ballots are counted the percentage could go even higher. 
• No one has ever won North Korea without winning Ohio. He humiliated his opponent Mitt Jong Romney. 

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

• It's not such a great day for a family in Florida recovering after eating steak laced with LSD. About halfway through dinner they realized there was a problem when someone asked for a side of mashed potatoes, and that someone was the steak. 
• I don't think LSD works though if you get it warm. It doesn't work. You have to keep it in the fridge. But I've said too much. 
• Kim Jong Un was re-elected today in North Korea. He got 100 percent of the vote. His slogan was, "Vote for me or you'll be eaten by rabid dogs." It's awkward because that was going to be Hillary's slogan. 
• We just had the finale of "The Bachelor." It was a doozy. It was a fight for love between two very different women, a blonde and a blonde. 
• I admit I don't watch "The Bachelor." If I wanted to see a bunch of floozies kiss up to a guy they don't really care for and aren't interested in, I'd go to the Playboy mansion. 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

• Barbie, the world's most famous doll, turned 55 on Sunday. And if you ask me that’s a little too old to be waking up naked on the stairs every morning. Get your life together, Barbie. 
• A new study reveals that parents who spend more time on their smartphones have more negative interactions with their children. While parents who spend less time on their smartphones are really mad that they forgot their charger. 
• NASA’s Cassini spacecraft passed by Saturn’s largest moon for the 100th time last week. Said Mrs. Cassini, "Can we please just stop and ask for directions?" 
• A Duke University student who recently revealed that she’s doing porn told Piers Morgan that she came up with her stage name by combining the names of Belle from "Beauty and the Beast" and Amanda Knox. Which might explain the title of her first film, "Be Our Guest … At This Italian Stabbing Murder." 

Comedian Argus Hamilton

• Judge Judy Sheindlin sued a Connecticut law firm Thursday for the unauthorized use of Judge Judy in the firm’s TV ads. Last year Judge Judy earned a reported forty-five million dollars from her syndicated court TV show. Only Kobe Bryant gets paid more to sit on the bench. 
• The Weather Channel reported all-time record snowfall from Michigan to New England this winter. In addition, Dixie never saw such snow and ice. Legislatures from Oklahoma to South Carolina are debating whether to fly the Confederate flag again just to heat things up. 
• Berkeley's City Council enacted a ban on all cigarette smoking inside all public buildings within the city limits of Berkeley. California law gives cities a lot of autonomy. The sign at the entrance to West Hollywood notifies visitors that you are now entering a Work-Free Drug Place. 
• CBS signed a deal to air The Big Bang Theory for an additional three seasons in its prime time Thursday time slot. It extends the life of the smart zany sitcom to a tenth season. The deal also fulfills the network's obligation to the FCC to provide science programming to Kansas. 
• The Wall Street Journal reported the missing Malaysia Dreamliner may have crashed in China. If it did, Chinese officials will examine every piece of the aircraft. A year from now China will be offering to sell Dreamliners at one-fourth the price that Boeing charges for them. 
• Speaker John Boehner invited Pope Francis to address Congress in June. The pope got rid of his limousine, he turned down living in his palace for a one-bedroom apartment and he lives a life of celibacy. A member of the Kennedy family will be on hand to deliver the rebuttal. 
• The White House waived off complaints about President Obama doing a mock interview with Zack Galifianakis on Between the Ferns. The president handled it like a seasoned comedian. He trains for these goofball interviews by having lunch with Joe Biden every Tuesday. 
• Washington D.C. had high winds which caused power outages Thursday, knocking out the lights and electricity throughout the capital. We couldn't hear from our president. It's left over three hundred million Americans without any clue as to how to fill out their NCAA brackets. 
• President Obama met with Ukraine's leader Thursday and vowed serious action if Russia annexes Crimea. The president of Russia said he won't act unless the Crimean parliament passes the bill. Now it's official, Obama's getting it from everybody for ruling by executive order 
• HHS Secretary Kathleen Sibelius admitted to Congress that the Obamacare enrollment numbers will fall short. They wanted seven million and they'll be lucky if they get four million. Republicans haven't been this happy since graphite shafts added forty yards to their tee shots. 
• Arizona Governor Jan Brewer announced in Arizona Wednesday that she is retiring from politics after serving two terms in the governor's office. The retirement party was a little embarrassing. White guys make terrible Mariachi music and they look silly in those sombreros. 
• Texas Governor Rick Perry returned to Los Angeles Friday after he convinced Occidental Petroleum to move from L.A. to Houston . Don't count him out in the next presidential race. The SAT scores from the last ten years indicate that the fundamentals are moving his way. 
• Joan Rivers told TMZ Thursday she had a one-night stand with Johnny Carson in the late Seventies. The safe way to bet is, the sex wasn't that different from doing stand-up on the Tonight Show. If Johnny liked your performance you got to sit on the couch with him afterwards.