The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
- The president announced his bracket for the NCAA tournament. March Madness starts and Obama is predicting Michigan State will beat Louisville to win the national championship. Going by Obama's past predictions, I want to congratulate Louisville on their big win.
- The standoff in Ukraine keeps getting worse. But a new poll shows Vladimir Putin's approval rating has actually gone up 10 percent since he sent troops into Crimea. When he heard that, Obama just shrugged and sent troops to invade Canada.
- It seems like everybody’s weighing in on the situation. In fact, Senator John McCain has released a list of 11 steps he thinks the White House should take to punish Russia. Usually when McCain takes 11 steps, he uses a stair lift.
- Lawmakers here in New York are considering a plan to bring slot machines to LaGuardia Airport. Of course there's always that other way to gamble at LaGuardia — checking a bag.
- Happy St. Patrick's Day! Thanks to all the fans who wished me a happy holiday, thank you to the people who visited New York to celebrate, and most of all, thank you for leaving your TV on NBC before you passed out.
- St. Patrick’s Day is a huge deal here in New York City. Two million people turned out today for the annual St. Patrick’s Day Parade. It’s the one parade where the horses are the ones that have to watch where they step.
- A new poll found that two-thirds of Americans are following the situation in Ukraine, which is impressive. Usually, you can't find two-thirds of Americans who are following the situation in America.
- Yesterday, in a highly debated election, 95 percent of Crimea voted to secede from Ukraine and join Russia. Yeah, 95 percent voted to join Russia. Even Kim Jong Un said, "Yeah, right."
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
- Madison, Wisconsin, is playing host to the "World Championship Cheese Contest." It's the biggest cheese competition in the world. It's like Cheese-a-Palooza.
- I don't know how you can judge cheese. It's subjective. I think this year's judge is from Norway. He couldn't tell a wheel of brie from a wheel of a tricycle. Take that, Norwegian cheese aficionados!
- Some people say you shouldn't eat too much cheese. These people are called "doctors."
- I like that you can eat cheese even if it is moldy. You can't do that with other foods. In your face, nuts!
- I had a big weekend and my throat is very scratchy. I sound the way Irish people are going to sound tomorrow.
- Some American cities go all out for St. Patrick's Day. In Chicago they dye the river green. In Boston everyone wears green. In Colorado, they smoke the green. Then someone tells them it's St. Patrick's Day.
- Some people say St. Patrick's Day contributes to national stereotypes. Well, I don't want to do that. Take it from me, not everyone in Ireland gets falling-down drunk every day. You're thinking of Australia.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
- The NCAA tournament tips off . As is now the tradition, President Obama revealed his bracket picks today. He has Florida, Arizona, Louisville, and Michigan State in the final four with Michigan State beating Louisville to win it. I'd take his picks with a grain of salt. He also picked Louis Anderson to win on the reality show "Splash."
- This morning police released detailed descriptions of the video that reportedly shows Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack. If they don't elect him mayor again, I want him to move out here. He could do a reality show — "Here Comes Mayor Boo-Boo."
- There was a major scientific finding this weekend out of Harvard. The physicists there believe they've proven the Big Bang theory. Those of you who aren't familiar with the intricacies of the Big Bang theory, it's a scientific theory based on a CBS TV show, I think.
- There was a small earthquake here this morning. Scariest thing about an earthquake is that when it starts you have no idea how intense it's going to get or how long it's going to last. It's like when your mother tells you a story.
- We had some earthquake damage at my house. Two bottles of lotion fell over and we had to wait two hours for the maid to get there to put them back.
- Here's a little-known fact. The Richter scale measures the number of local news anchors who dive under their desks.
- Yet another video surfaced that showed what appeared to be a drunken Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. When he promised to stop drinking, obviously that didn't include St. Patrick's Day. Or Mardi Gras or Father's Day or Cinco de Mayo.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
- President Obama released his March Madness bracket this morning, picking Michigan State to win the tournament. In response, Vladimir Putin started moving troops into Gonzaga.
- North Dakota is rolling out a new recruiting campaign hoping to fill more than 20,000 open jobs in the state. The only catch is, when they ask where you see yourself in five years, you have to say North Dakota.
- Two New York men have been charged with insider trading after authorities caught them exchanging secret messages on cocktail napkins and eating them to hide the evidence. The men came up with the plan after they both got sick from eating their BlackBerrys.
- Singer John Mayer is suing Charlie Sheen’s best friend after the man sold him $5 million worth of fake Rolexes. If you can’t trust someone who introduces himself as “Charlie Sheen’s Best Friend” then who can you trust?
- Today is St. Patrick’s Day, when we commemorate the time St. Patrick drove all the alcoholics out of New Jersey and into Manhattan.
- On Saturday, Los Angeles subway workers unearthed prehistoric fossils that are at least 2 million years old. Scientists could tell the fossils were indigenous to L.A. because they were each found clutching a headshot and a smoothie.
- A professor at Virginia Tech claims he can turn woodchips into food. However, still no luck with kale.
