Really Real Quotes by a Completely Insane Teacher: The Third

It has been less than a month since I last caught you up with the least logical teacher to ever grace this horrible Earth. That doesn't mean there is a lack of literal crap to share with you. This edition includes fun stories of her wasting class time, seemingly insulting muslims, and telling illogical stories about boats.
Check out the first edition of this if you have no idea what is going on, and read the second if you haven't because, well, I don't want to spoil anything, but Pac Man cures cancer. 

• “Having children and a family is not happy.”
• “Mice are mice running around the a mill we are just mice.”
• "I went to three parties yesterday...but everyone was sick and I kept thinking "who's gonna get cancer next?" thus, prayer is the answer to everything. you get up, and you do the job thing, trying to pay the bills, summer winter spring fall, Love."
• "okay so you have this wonderful..boat...or something. If the people with you are all fake, that's not much fun. It would be nice if they liked you."
• "The very thing that means the most in life, people are dissing."
• "The world goes on living like a little fickle mouse in the cage."
• "Life is REAL. and I know that's hard for you to understand since you're 17 or something, but it's REAL."
• "If you want to be a better student, parent, friend, or ballplayer, stop being a consumer and be a person. Just don't be the stuff you're buying."
• “One plus of being single is being able to wake up at 3AM and make mashed potatoes.”
• “Charlie, stop talking, you’re making me nervous.”
• This one is a story. Someone left the insane teacher's classroom to go to the bathroom. Another teacher in the hallway said something like "Will you go in to check and see if a door fell down? [name of insane teacher] said a door fell on her.” Every door was perfectly fastened on the hinges. So yeah, don't know what that was about.
• “Change, at a minimum, takes three weeks!”
• “I’m not going to college with you.”
• “We can do this learning or we can do another.”
• “They could actually sit down and believe it, but that would be different.”
• “Seniors in high school, they all wanna be Buddhist or Mooslim.” (she pronounced it just like that)
• "I’m kinda messed up.”
• “The highest form of evil is one you can sense in your surroundings...like a porn shop. I don't go there.”
• “Marcel move somewhere else!” 
• She said talking to a student named Cordell. Second time calling him Marcel.
• “I don’t mean to use a bad word or anything, but it’s kind of creepy”
• Referring to students singing at sporting events
• “I tried to call her using the cell thingy but it didn’t work”
• “I like to study you as weird as that sounds, you are interesting human beings, you teenagers.”
• “You’re just seeing an image of me, I’m not actually here.”
• “He’ll be messed up someday!”
• Referring to her 6 year old grandson
• “It’s not even just big lips, it’s like you need to have a different bones or something.”
• Talking about changing how you look to be beautiful
• “Religion teachers can say hell. Its part of our religious vocabulary.”
• “My toenails are fine, i’ll cut them when I want to.”
• “I stood in line for over an hour at the store Pam waiting to get a video game for me grandson.”
• Talking about the bookstore, which is actually called BAM.
• “Did you know when I started here I wore a hot pink suit and now I like all black.”
• “We aren’t just hardees stamping people on the head with reconciliation”
• “We don’t have God over a barrel”
• “You can almost feel the brain waves saying, does not compute, does not compute.”
• “No dying on my watch”
• “YOU’RE BEING DUPED!”
• Said after watching The Truman Show, with no context as to what we were being duped about.
• “You need to use language to talk about stuff you can’t talk about!”
• “What's your name?” -Insane teacher
• “Jacob?” -Jacob
• “No that's not it, I'll get back to you on that.” -Insane teacher
• “This class could save your life actually. But what do I know?”
• “It’s the holy spirit!”
• Said, with no hint of sarcasm, after the blinds started to shake from the window being open
• Another story: She had one class spend the entire class time taking the lights off of her Christmas tree. Good use of school time. 
• “Let’s say you have a really great sweater. You’re wearing that sweater, you are not the sweater…”
• “Yo, yo, yo”
• Repeated several times a day.
• “Hell, you are not real”
• “Have you seen the clothes these 2nd graders are wearing, it’s like pole-dancing risqué”
• “Everything I say can be taken sexually.”
• "We don't need more things like the Hunter Games."
• Referring to the Hunger Games
• “Oh my garsh!”
• Another story. A male student questioned one of her ridiculous statements. She shouts in response: "That is sexism right there! Women don't talk to me that way! Would you talk to Mr. Stierman that way!" The class pointed out several flaws in her statement. A) She herself was being sexist in her statement. B) The student did not speak to her in a disrespectful or at all abnormal way, he simply questioned one of her stupid statements, so yes, he does speak to Mr. Stierman that way. We told her she was making ridiculous assumptions. Her response: "I am not assuming! I am HYPOTHESIZING."
• We have 50% of marriages" 
• She never finishes this thought, continues on rant about consuming images and sexism.
• “For Pope Francis, I’ll pull the blinds”
• “If you really know yourself, which most people don’t, you’ll have an easy time with this”
• "you think she's better than me? oh, well, I better pull out my emotional gun right now!"
• "Don't attach your eye to labels"
• “Reality is your friend. Get in touch with reality. Car analogy.”
• "You doing the gamer thing, huh?”
• “Your grade this class, your grandmother, your great grandmother, it's all connected.”
• “That's why if you can put your finger on your own leprosy, if you can become displeasing to yourself, you will be infinitely pleasing to god”
• "There was this really disrespectful boy in the back of the room who would always say 'yeah I did drugs this week' and I was just like, 'I don't think I know you very well wanna do lunch?' I could not help his life."
• “I have pretty good control and power energy myself.”
• “My job is to throw the pebble in the pond.”
• “I just come and throw the pebble in the pond so I don't take offense”
• "I personally like to speak for myself"
• “That doesn't mean you're Rambo in a skirt or pants or whatever.”
• “Whenever a substitute writes someone's name down with a negative remark, don't quote me on this, but I just completely trash their grade.”
• “You diss prayer with me, I diss your grade”
• “If you could erase the word ‘cause’ from your brain, I would appreciate that.”
• “We don’t really have a God that gets high on blood.”
• “We don’t really have a God that wants to ransom.”
• “You can work in pairs or threesomes. That didn’t sound right.”
• “I’m not going to say pairs or anything anymore.”
• “That's not a Christmas tree, it's an Advent tree. You can't put ornaments on an Advent tree.”
• “I could dominate any conversation.”
• “You are like a work of study for me.”
• “People who lose people tend to talk to me a lot. I don’t know why.”
• “If you pull out one string, you’re gonna pull out all the strings in the blanket of your life.”
• “I never took attendance at the beginning of class. I figured, what the hey. But people were stealing from lockers and I realized, woof, aw. I'm causing them a problem.”
• “I think I’m gonna stop, Alight I stopped.”
• Referring to her giving us notes, aka "teaching."
• Class- "There's snow coming in that window!" 
• Insane Teacher- "Yeah, lots of stuff comes in that window."
• “My brother was extremely high up and my husband was a genius, and they’re both dead now.”
• “We all drool the same way in a nursing home.”