The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
- The world said goodbye today to one of the greatest men who ever lived, Nelson Mandela. And what a life he lived. He spent 27 years in prison and then ascended to become president of his country. He went from prison to politics. It was exactly the opposite of how we do it in this country.
- Kanye West said he wants to be the "Obama of clothing." To achieve his goal, he's designing fashions that nobody wants and offering them on a website that doesn't work.
- Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are among Barbara Walters' "10 most fascinating people of 2013." In a related story, Barbara has been named one of the "10 most easily fascinated people of 2013."
- This is the greatest guy story of all time. A man in China committed suicide at a shopping mall by jumping seven stories to his death after his girlfriend said she wanted to visit just one more shoe store. The guy couldn’t take it — talk about "shop till you drop"!
- This winter storm has left thousands without electricity. It's as if President Obama had taken over the power companies.
- In Syria, Muslim rebels are so desperate for food they broke into the zoo and ate a lion. That shows you how things are changing in the Mideast. In the old days they used to feed the Christians to the lions, and now they're feeding the lions to the Muslims.
- New Jersey legislators want to ban eating while driving. Good luck getting Governor Chris Christie to sign that one.
- The post office announced that since they have lost so much money they are going to be reviewing their business model. That could mean big changes. The last time the post office reviewed their business model they sold the ponies and bought trucks.
Conan
- Some are saying that while at Nelson Mandela's memorial, President Obama flirted with the female prime minister of Denmark right in front of Michelle Obama. If President Obama felt that the flight to South Africa was long, can you imagine the way home?
- Due to inflation, a cup of coffee in Russia costs $8.30. In other words, they now have Starbucks in Russia.
- President Obama shook hands with Cuban dictator Raul Castro. Or as Fox News reported it, "Foreign communist shakes hands with the leader of Cuba."
- There are freezing temperatures across the country right now. In Hollywood, temperatures are in the 50s. Of course, since it's Hollywood, the weather is telling everyone it's only in its mid-30s.
- Tech companies are upset about government spying. Technology companies like Google, Twitter, and AOL are asking the government to limit its surveillance. Actually, Google and Twitter are mad. AOL is just happy that somebody is looking at them.
- North Korea has confirmed that Kim Jong Un has fired his uncle. Unemployment benefits in North Korea include two weeks' severance and not being shot.
- Paris Hilton's brother claims that Lindsay Lohan had someone beat him up. Lohan said, "That's ridiculous. If I wanted to hurt someone, I'd use my car."
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
- They say Tom Hanks is the nicest guy in Hollywood. I don't agree. He sent me a fruit basket to thank me for having him on the show. It had a lot of green melon in it. Who likes green melon? Nobody, that's who. So, no thanks, Tom Hanks, you monster.
- The organizing committee for the Super Bowl announced they will not allow tailgate parties at Met Life Stadium before the game. Who tailgates in February in New Jersey?
- There is a new baby product that's causing controversy. It is a newborn-to-toddler activity seat. It is a baby seat with a built-in iPad holder. Since when are we giving iPads to infants? When did that happen?
- The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children under 2 not be exposed to screens like iPads because it can impede their brain development. Although if it keeps the kid quiet while I'm at Costco, let's bring that brain development to a halt.
- Washington, D.C., could get as much as five inches of snow on Wednesday. It's sunny and 61 here in L.A. We just look frozen from all the Botox injections.
- On our local news stations, they spend a lot of time to convince us that it's a big story any time we have to put a coat on.
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
- New documents leaked by Edward Snowden show that the NSA actually spied on people while they played the video game World of Warcraft. I don't know — to me it sounds like some NSA agents had to think quick when they got caught playing World of Warcraft at work.
- President Obama released a video this week to encourage kids to learn how to write computer code. Then he said, "Preferably, in the next two or three weeks. It would REALLY help me out of a jam."
- Last week a man was locked in an airplane for several hours after he fell asleep during a flight and nobody woke him up when it landed. But other than that, Joe Biden had a great trip to Asia.
- Yankees’ second baseman Robinson Cano just agreed to a $240 million, 10-year deal with the Seattle Mariners. Cano said, “I had to follow my wallet. I mean my heart!”
- The World Cup is coming next summer and it was just announced that the U.S. soccer team has a really tough schedule. They play against Germany, Ghana, and Portugal. Americans were pretty upset. They said, “There’s gonna be soccer on TV again?”
The Late Show With David Letterman
- There's a snowstorm all over two-thirds of the country. Nobody, because of the snowstorm, can get to the unemployment office.
- Did you see “The Sound of Music”? It was the most exciting live TV event since Matt Lauer's on-air prostate examination.
- Every 10 minutes during “The Sound of Music” you got to vote off one of the Trapp kids.
- It's the holidays. Getting together with your family — on paper that’s a wonderful idea.
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
- Most of the country is in a deep freeze today. It's so cold that in Texas people were crossing back into Mexico for the warmth.
- Even in Los Angeles it is freezing. And by "freezing" I mean 63 and sunny.
- The Grammys are on CBS in January. I can't go. I'll be doing standup in Canada so I'll send a guy from Canada to the Grammys to take my place. But I would be nervous about sending Toronto Mayor Rob Ford to the Grammys. Musicians are known to use drugs now and then.
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