The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
- Here we go again. Freshman Congressman Trey Radel of Florida has been arrested for possession of cocaine in Washington, D.C. He admitted he is an alcoholic and pled guilty to possession of cocaine. The judge sentenced him to four years as mayor of Toronto.
- Toronto's city council has voted to drastically reduce Mayor Rob Ford's powers. They say this reduces him to a "mere figurehead" — which still sounds better than "crackhead."
- To make matters worse for Mayor Ford, his reality show was canceled after one airing. They are calling this guy the most embarrassing Ford since the Pinto.
- The ratings for Al Jazeera America has now dipped even lower than Al Gore's Current TV, which it replaced. That's how you know you're boring, OK? When Al Gore is considered more entertaining to people than what you have.
- President Obama and his top aides met with insurance company CEOs at the White House on Friday. So we've got politicians meeting with insurance salesmen. You know, if you throw in a couple of used car dealers, you have the trifecta of professional lying right there.
- The Dow Jones average hit 16,000 for the first time. How about that? The bad news? It took us going $17 trillion in debt to get there.
- Toronto's city council is trying to strip Mayor Rob Ford of his powers. But the mayor is pretty defiant. He told the city council, “I am definitely not leaving this job.” Hey Mr. Mayor, that’s what I used to say!
- Yesterday during the Jets game in Buffalo a fan accidentally fell out of the third deck of the stadium. He's OK, but he took quite a fall. Now, don't confuse that with what fans of the Jacksonville Jaguars are doing. They're jumping on purpose.
- In 1941, Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday in November would officially be observed as Thanksgiving Day — thus making it the last time Congress accomplished anything.
- You can tell Thanksgiving is getting closer. In fact, today, five turkeys from the United States showed up at the Moscow airport seeking asylum.
- The traditional Thanksgiving began in what year? 1621. And soon afterward, the Indians realized they had a failed immigration policy.
- When President Obama was in Los Angeles, he visited the DreamWorks Studios. Now don't confuse DreamWorks with Obamacare — that was a dream that didn't work. This is DreamWorks, it's totally different.
- PETA says that today's turkeys are being bred to have such large breasts, they're dying of heart attacks. I don't want to be insensitive, but that's still better than getting your head chopped off.
- A report issued today said half of all Americans will be facing diabetes by the year 2020. The other half will have diabetes by Friday morning.
- They got three feet of fresh powder back East. And that was just in freshman Florida Congressman Trey Radel's office. Radel says he's going into rehab and when he gets out, he wants to be named ambassador to Colombia.
- President Obama's approval rating is at 37 percent, the lowest point of his presidency. Here's how bad it is. You know the Thanksgiving turkey he's pardoning this week? The turkey said: No pictures. It didn't want to be seen.
- The FCC is considering lifting the ban on cellphone calls on planes. The good news is you'll be able to make calls during your flight. The bad news? The person sitting next to you will be able to make cellphone calls during your flight.
Conan
- Members of the tea party gathered outside the White House to demand President Obama's impeachment. The president said he appreciated their views and he is setting up a new website where they can voice their opinion.
- Everyone is talking about Toronto's crack-smoking mayor. His reality show has been canceled after one episode. That is the difference between the U.S. and Canada. In America, when somebody goes off the rails we RENEW their reality show.
- Last night during a TV special, magician David Blaine performed magic for Kanye West. Blaine performed an amazing trick where he got Kanye to not talk about Kanye for eight seconds.
The Late Show With David Letterman
- Thieves have stolen a half a million dollars' worth of Red Bull. They're described as armed, dangerous, and ready to go.
- It's the 150th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. They have a guy going around the country reciting the Gettysburg Address dressed up like Lincoln. He has all of the mannerisms. He even has the golf swing. It's unbelievable.
- Happy birthday to Joe Biden. He's 71 years old. President Obama called Biden into the Oval Office and instructed Joe to go to his birthday party for Obama.
- The U.S. may be close to a deal with Iran. Here's how the deal would break down. They shut down their nuclear arsenal and in return the United States will shut down George Zimmerman.
- I heard that New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is very excited about the movie "Hunger Games." He's apparently under the impression it's about competitive eating.
- Thanksgiving is the best. I was so pleased last year. Things were going great, having a lot of fun, the house was full of people, everybody getting along — and then I realized that by mistake I had picked up the wrong family at the airport.
- I remember one year Mom was fixing Thanksgiving dinner, the turkey is in the oven, and she's tearing the house apart looking for her cellphone. Later, we're all sitting down to eat and the turkey starts to ring.
- For the first time this year, the Butterball turkey hotline has male operators answering the phone. Depending on your turkey needs, you can request a female operator, a male operator, a male operator dressed as a female operator, or a female operator with a mustache.
- How about that Obamacare? They bungled it. They rolled it out and it wasn't ready. The only good news out of Obamacare is that it's nice to know somebody knows less about computers than I do.
- The world's oldest living creature passed away — a 507-year-old clam. It was laid to rest today in the chowder at Red Lobster.
- Tomorrow will be the 150th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. It's one of the better-known speeches of all mankind but at 272 words it was pretty short. It was supposed to be longer but what happened was Lincoln kept thanking people and the band played him off.
- Here's an interesting fact. When Lincoln was doing the Gettysburg Address he kept making changes at the last second before the speech. He drove the cue card guy nuts.
- Are you aware of the turkey shortage? The White House has stepped in so people won't panic. They said yes, there's a turkey shortage, but don't worry, it's only a website problem.
- They said if you like the turkey you had last year, you can keep the turkey you had last year.
- This year Thanksgiving and the first day of Hanukkah are on the same day. I'm no theologian, but I think what that means is eight days of leftovers.
- The forecast for Thursday is a wintery mix of rain, freezing rain, sleet, and snow. I feel so bad for the guy who has to deliver my pizza that day.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
- We are coming to you with only two commercial breaks tonight. It will almost be like HBO, only with less nudity.
- The two commercial breaks is made possible by HP, which stands for Hewlett-Packard, one of the world's biggest tech companies. HP started in a garage. Google started in a garage. Microsoft and Apple started in a garage. Maybe we should be spending less money on education and more money on garages.
- Let's get every nerd in America a garage.
- It's a big night tonight, the finale of "Dancing with the Stars." I don't know if you’ve been following the show, but the comedian was eliminated. Bill had the grace and easy elegance of a squirrel getting electrocuted.
- On Juan-uary 5, a new season of "The Bachelor" begins. We have two words for you, America: Juan Pablo. He’s so cute, my gosh. Here is one more word: Juanderful. And Juan-in-a-million. Whoever came up with that should be sent to Juan-tanamo Bay.
- It's that's special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to look at their cellphones. And I'm going to start dinner by telling my parents I'm gay. It never gets old!
- After Thanksgiving, we take a sharp nose-dive into what is probably the worst day of the year, Black Friday. Some shoppers have been sleeping outside the stores sinceMonday of last week. That is nuts — and a very good way to get on the local news.
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
- It’s been a rough couple of weeks for President Obama. It’s so bad that a new poll found that Mitt Romney would beat Obama if Americans could vote for president again today. He even asked if there's any way we can have a do-over. Not Romney, Obama.
- Obama and other Democrats have even stopped using the term “Obamacare,” when referring to the new healthcare law. Yeah, now they’re calling it "The Affordable Care Act." Americans were like, "Just let us know when you can call it 'fixed.'"
- Happy Birthday to Vice President Joe Biden, who turned 71 years old today. Biden wore a party hat, carried balloons, and ate cake for lunch. So he was especially happy when they told him it was also his birthday.
- A company in France is selling a new robot that can play with kids and read them bedtime stories. Kids are calling it a cool and innovative thing to eventually discuss with their therapists.
- President Obama, he just can't catch a break. He gave a major immigration speech yesterday in San Francisco and got heckled by a guy yelling something about stopping deportations. Obama was cool, he said the man was entitled to free speech, and then he turned to his security and said, "Deport that guy."
- The big news this week is that the U.S. finally got Iran to agree to stop making nuclear weapons. In exchange, the U.S. has freed up $8 billion of Iran's assets. When asked how it plans to spend the money, Iran said, "We're going to buy nuclear weapons."
- A new study found that parents who only have daughters are more likely to be Republican, which I guess explains why my Dad registered as Republican when he saw me throw a football.
- Researchers in Canada say they have discovered the part of the brain that is used to make decisions, and this is weird. If you're married, it's actually located in your wife's brain.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
- Thanksgiving travel will be especially unpleasant because of the big storm. More than 500 flights out of Dallas-Fort Worth were canceled. I think this is God's way of saying: Stay home and overcook your own turkey.
- The FCC is reconsidering the ban on cellphone use on planes. So, not only do you get to watch the lady eating a tuna fish sandwich she brought from home, you get to hear her yell at her husband while she does it.
- There are ways to make air travel much, much worse. I think it's fine if people want to make calls from the plane, but I think they should have to step outside to do it.
- Am I the only one who thinks the government should focus on something else? I would like to see the ban lifted on 4-ounce bottles of Pantene shampoo.
- First thing I'm going to do is order a large pepperoni pizza and have it delivered to the sky.
- Ever since he admitted to smoking crack in office, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has been under siege. The city council has been stripping the mayor of his powers because no one has a sense of humor any more.
- Today they took Rob Ford's office budget and his staff away. He has been removed from his position on committees and lost his power to fill vacancies. The only power he has left is to represent the city at official functions. That's actually the one I would be worried about.
- Every time he's in public, Rob Ford does something great. He's my favorite new reality show. If he lived in America, we would be renewing him for a second season.
- I would love to sit down with Rob Ford. The media make people out to look like they're nuts. But I would like to get a sense of this man. Maybe we could do a buddy cop movie together.
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
- This weekend President Obama announced that the U.S. and Iran have reached an important step in freezing Iran's nuclear program. When asked how they'd finally reached the agreement, Iran said, "Patience, compromise, and oh, we lied. Not in that order, actually."
- People are talking about how Obama was finally able to get this deal with Iran. What happened was, Obama got tired of trying to fix healthcare and said, "Give me an easier problem. Iranian nukes! I'm on it. That's much better than what I've been dealing with the past couple of weeks."
- They're saying a major winter storm is heading east, which could affect millions of Americans on the busiest travel day of the year. Bad news is, you won't get to break the wishbone with your relatives this year. The good news is, that's probably the wish you made last year.
- The Patriots overcame six fumbles and a score of 24-0 to beat the Broncos in overtime. It was amazing. They came back from dropping the ball and being down 24 points. Or, as Obama put it, "What's your secret?"
- Police were called out to Justin Bieber's house on Friday. He was throwing a party with Snoop Lion and apparently it got too loud. Of course, Snoop ran out the back — but not to avoid the cops. He just didn't want to be seen partying with Justin Bieber.
- That Justin Bieber party was probably nothing compared to what Miley Cyrus has planned. People say she’s got a huge party in the works for her 21st birthday this weekend. You can tell she's excited because she's been wearing her birthday suit for the past 11 months.
- The U.S. Postal Service just announced that it lost only $5 billion this year, as opposed to $16 billion in 2012. Yeah, they lost "only" $5 billion. Even Blockbuster was like, "You guys stink at running a business."
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
- It's Mickey Mouse Day today. He made his debut on this day in 1928. He's 88 years old. He's gone from "It's a small world" to "It's an enlarged prostate."
- I love Mickey Mouse. I love the squeaky voice, the happy face, the little shorts. Wait, I'm thinking of Richard Simmons.
- Here in Southern California, you can see Mickey Mouse anytime. Just go to Disneyland. All you need is a way to get to Anaheim and about 500 bucks for a ticket to get in.
- I always thought it's weird they sell those hats in Disneyland that look like mouse ears. It's grisly. It's like saying I love Mickey Mouse so much that I want to wear his scalp on my head.
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