The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
- According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it's simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to.
- The White House said today that one of the reasons the Obamacare website has had so many problems is because it's so popular that it was overwhelmed. Really? How come Psy's "Gangnam Style" video never had any problems? He got 2.5 billion hits!
- Have you tried to log on to the Obamacare website? It’s slow. It is slower than my watch during an interview with Paris Hilton.
- The Obamacare website is not the only one crashing. The NSA website went offline Friday after suspected hackers broke into it. Hey, NSA: It’s not so much fun when people are sneaking into YOUR computer, is it?
The Late Show With David Letterman
- Halloween is Thursday. I love Halloween. You open the door, and there are strangers in masks. Good idea.
- Kanye West went to a baseball stadium in San Francisco with Kim Kardashian, and he popped the question right there. He said to her, "Why are you famous?"
- Obama said they've had some glitches with the Affordable Care website. I'll tell you something. If you order a pair of pants online and they send you the wrong color, that's a glitch. This is like a Carnival cruise, for God's sake!
- Today Obama was in so much trouble he called Hillary Clinton and he said, "Could you start early?"
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
- It's great to be back. We had reruns last week. No, what are they called? Encore presentations.
- Last week I was in Canada. I was doing stand-up and solving crimes. Actually, there's no crime in Canada.
- Two American icons celebrate birthdays today. The Statue of Liberty turns 127 years old. And Bruce Jenner, who of course is also 127 years old.
- The Statue of Liberty and Bruce Jenner are very different, of course. One is made of copper and steel and needs constant work done to prevent it from crumbling and cracking — and the other one's the Statue of Liberty.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
- There are new reports that the NSA has been monitoring communications of 35 leaders. Germany's Angela Merkel is one of our closest allies and she is not happy about this. She called President Obama to give him an earful — and it takes a lot to get those ears full.
- If the NSA agents are like most men they were probably only pretending to listen to what she was saying anyway.
- They ought to take all of the guys who are so good at hacking into phone calls and put them to work fixing HealthCare.gov. We need to reallocate our nerds.
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
- Over the weekend it came out that the U.S. has been listening in on German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s cellphone since 2002. At this point, I feel like the only world leader our government DOESN'T listen to is President Obama.
- The U.S. has been spying on German Chancellor Angela Merkel for more than 10 years. Merkel actually called Obama to say that eavesdropping on allies “is not acceptable.” Then Obama said, "Yeah, well that's not what you said to England."
- Halloween is just a couple of days away. A new survey found that 10 percent of Americans actually plan on wearing a costume to work for Halloween. Because if there's anything better than getting fired on Halloween, it's getting fired by a clown.
- One poll says 74 percent of Americans will hand out candy to trick-or-treaters. While the other 26 percent plan to spend three hours hiding in the living room with the lights out.
Comedian Argus Hamilton
- JC Penney's announced they will be open all day Thanksgiving Day to jump start the Christmas shopping season. Retailers have it laid out. The next day is Black Friday, followed by Small Business Saturday, followed by Online Monday, followed by Identity Theft Tuesday.
- The Daily Oklahoman reported that a man delivered his wife's baby Thursday in the WalMart parking lot in Mustang. He took direction from the police operator on his cell phone. In all Southern states WalMart not only offers free layaway, they have free delivery.
- Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder was rumored considering the Washington Bravehearts for a team name. It raised concerns. The fact that Dan Snyder is Jewish and considering naming his team for a Mel Gibson movie is clinical evidence that he needs help.
- An Atlanta Falcons cheerleader made it into the Guinness Book of World Records last week when she performed forty-four consecutive back hand-springs. It wasn't at the football game. She was celebrating finally getting a response from the ObamaCare website.
- President Obama spoke with the kids at Brooklyn's Pathways in Technology high-tech school Friday. They had a very productive exchange. President Obama taught the children a lesson in civics, and the children taught the president how to set up a website that works.
- The Labor Department said Friday that U.S. worker productivity remains stagnant. There is malaise in the air. Thirty percent of Americans polled say they've called in sick when they weren't, while the other seventy percent are waiting for ObamaCare to make it legal.
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