Things the Bible Bans

The Bible is a big, old book made up of lots of smaller, old books. These books tell stories and lay out rules to live by, all straight from the mouth of God. More or less.

Recently, the Bible, and the "never changing word of God" (which changes often), has been used to condemn homosexuality as wrong. Mainly, it's the line that goes "If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them." (Leviticus 20:13)

First of all calling gay sex "liething (sic) with a man as you would lieth with a woman" is just a little immature. Call it what it is.

Other than that there's not much else about homosexuality in the Bible. There's a couple references to David and Jonathan and Ruth and Naomi that some people think might possibly maybe mean they could be a little bit gay, but that's debatable.

As far as the New Testament goes, Jesus says absolutely nothing about gay marriage, or gay people at all. He does say a lot about loving everyone and stuff, but who really cares about that?

A while back I wrote up a little rant on how the Bible is a terrible argument to present in any legal context. I thought I would expand on that now by examining what other things the Bible explicitly bans.

Football, sort of.

If you play football the good ole classic way, with a pigskin, you are obviously going to hell. I mean come on, obviously. 

Leviticus 11:8, which is discussing pigs, reads "You shall not eat of their flesh nor touch their carcasses; they are unclean to you."

Duh, why didn't we think of that? Why isn't that in the freaking Constitution? Pigs should be all out banned, there's just too much sin that could come from them.

She's basically the devil. 

Round haircuts.

Another obvious one. Think about it, if people have round hair, they might sin. It just makes sense. 

Leviticus (seeing a trend here) 19:27 reads "You shall not round off the side-growth of your heads nor harm the edges of your beard."

Because duh. 

Divorce.

Whoops. About half of everyone messed up here.

The Bible is very clear that divorces just don't make sense because married people aren't even people, they're person.

Mark 10:8: Married people "are no longer two, but one flesh." 

Mark 10:9 "What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate."

Mark gets even more hardcore about it a few verses later, in Mark 10:11-12, "And He said to them, 'Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.'"

That's a pretty specific scenario there, but yeah, Bible says no.

Pulling out. 

Everyone knows the Church loves good ol' fashion animal sex. They love it so much that they want to ban all the stupid stuff that gets in the way like condoms, and pulling out. And while condoms are never mentioned in the Bible (big shocker!), pulling out is right in there. (no pun intended)

It's Genesis 38:9-10: "Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother's wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother. But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the Lord; so He took his life also."

This is a perfect example of really bad story telling. They jumped right from the climax (no pun intended) of the story to the end in one sentence. Way t0o fast paced. You need a lot more exposition and character building there, Genesis. What where Onan's motivations? Did his brother and his brother's wife have a name?

Just such bad writing there. Blah.

Jesus... Jesus no. Stop that. Stop it now. Jesus....

Tattoos. 

People with Jesus tattoos will be right there in hell along with people with satan tattoos. 

Leviticus 19:28 reads, "You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord."

In case you forgot, he is the Lord. (Imagine if Obama talked that way. "We're going to do whatever we can to help the victims of this hurricane, I am the President.")

Fortune telling. 

This includes horoscopes and fortune cookies, because Bible. 

Leviticus 19:31 reads "Do not turn to mediums or spiritists; do not seek them out to be defiled by them. I am the Lord your God." And then Leviticus 20:6 goes on because that wasn't enough. "As for the person who turns to mediums and to spiritists, to play the harlot after them, I will also set My face against that person and will cut him off from among his people."

So next time you open up a fortune cookie, know that you're damning yourself to exile. 

Animal Hybrids and Polyester, or any other fabric blends.
I mean seriously, this one just makes all sorts of sense. It's obvious that wearing weird "satan fabrics" is just bad.
The Bible doesn't want you to wear polyester. Not just because it looks cheap. It's sinfully unnatural.

Leviticus 19:19 reads, "You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together."

This could be the most efficent way to ban both animal hybrids and polyester in one sentence. Usually those two thing don't really go together. 

THE SIN! IT'S BURNING MY EYES!

Letting people without testicles into church. 
It's well known that people with testicles are amoral pieces of crap. I mean look at Lance Armstrong, he was half way there and is a pretty bad guy. 

Deuteronomy 23:1 reads "A man whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off may never join the assembly of the Lord." (This is the God's Word translation, by the way. It spells it out better.)
This one is important because it weeds out anyone who may have been injured in some sort of accident. Who wants weird disabled freaks praying with them? (The answer: Jesus.)

Letting bastards, or Descendants of bastards, into church

So if anyone in the last 10 generations of your family happens to be a bastard, you really shouldn't be allowed into church.
Deuteronomy 23:2 reads, "No one of illegitimate birth shall enter the assembly of the Lord; none of his descendants, even to the tenth generation, shall enter the assembly of the Lord."
There's no specific rule on what to do with generation eleven and beyond, but you can assume it's not very loving and compassionate. 

Wearing gold or pearls.

1 Timothy 2:9 "Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments."
Expensive cloths are sinful ladies. Take note. 

Lobster, shrimp and clam chowder

Leviticus is the basis for Kosher law, so there's a lot of stuff banned here:
Leviticus 11:10 reads, "But whatever is in the seas and in the rivers that does not have fins and scales among all the teeming life of the water, and among all the living creatures that are in the water, they are detestable things to you." 

Also banned: shellfish and pig, camel, rock badger, rabbit, eagle, vulture, buzzard, falcon, raven, crow, ostrich, owl, seagull, hawk, pelican, stork, heron, bat, winged insects that walk on four legs unless they have joints to jump with (like grasshoppers), bear, mole, mouse, lizard, gecko, crocodile, chameleon and snail.

I just have to say I absolutely love the specifics on the whole flying insect thing. Check it out: "All flying insects that walk on all fours are to be regarded as unclean by you. There are, however, some flying insects that walk on all fours that you may eat: those that have jointed legs for hopping on the ground. Of these you may eat any kind of locust, katydid, cricket or grasshopper. But all other flying insects that have four legs you are to regard as unclean." (Leviticus 11:20-23)
This sounds like a four year old making up rules to a game as he goes. It's so ridiculous and stupid. What are the reasons behind this logic!? EXPLAIN YOURSELF.

Your wife defending your life in a fight by grabbing your attacker's genitals. 
Okay, that's enough Bible for one day.

Deuteronomy 25:11-12.

"If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity."

I... I've got nothing. Just take that for what it is.

Peace out. Love each other. I'm done. This is... this is just too much.