- Nathan's held its annual Hot Dog Eating Contest on July 4. The winner and seven-time champion was a guy named Joey Chestnut. He ate 69 hot dogs in 10 minutes. How is that possible? My garbage disposal doesn't work that fast.
- Last Thursday we celebrated our 237th year of independence from Great Britain. And our 10th year of dependence on the Chinese.
- In the NFL, 31 players have been arrested just since the Super Bowl. In fact, a lot of teams are switching to the no-huddle offense because players aren't allowed to associate with known felons.
- The show "Cops" is now on the NFL network. That's how bad it's gotten.
- On Friday Paula Deen fired her publicist. Her publicist is calling it Black Friday. I can't repeat what Paula Deen is calling it.
- A new report reveals that Mexico has replaced the United States as the world's fattest nation. In fact, Mexicans now are trying to cross the border just to ask, "Are you going to finish that?"
- Republicans are already trying to paint Hillary Clinton as too old to be president. In fact, a new ad claims she's so old that she could be a Republican.
- Congratulations to Joey Chestnut. He's a competitive eater and he won the Hot Dog Eating Contest out there in Coney Island. He ate 69 hot dogs in 10 minutes. He gets the check, he gets the trophy, he gets the colon cancer.
- It's hot in New York City. Here's how hot it is. The Lone Ranger, instead of a mask, is now wearing a cold compress.
- We have new saints — Pope John Paul II and Pope John XXIII. Pete Rose — once again, no dice.
- The new Superman movie has made like $600 million. Superman's real name is Kal-El. When he knew he was going to be in show business, he changed it to Superman.
- "The Lone Ranger" movie made a lot of money. People went to see it because it stars Johnny Depp. He wears lots of makeup and speaks in a weird accent. I don't know what he does in the movie.
- Johnny Depp plays Tonto, the Lone Ranger's sidekick. What makes more sense than a guy named Lone Ranger needing a sidekick?
- Back in "Pirates of the Caribbean," Depp famously based his drunken pirate on Keith Richards. But in "The Lone Ranger," he's playing a mystical shaman who can talk to the spirit world, possibly with the help of peyote. So, also Keith Richards.
- The Lone Ranger wears a mask only when he's fighting bad guys, so when he goes off duty no one can tell who he is. Is it really that difficult? I'd just look for the guy riding a white horse with the totally sunburned face with a white half.
- On Friday Dwight Howard announced that he is leaving the Lakers to join the Houston Rockets. Or as Kobe Bryant put it, “Great. Now who am I NOT going to pass the ball to?”
- This week at the White House, President Obama will present George Lucas with the National Medal of Arts. Joe Biden will present him with some fan mail for Yoda.
- NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden has been offered asylum in Venezuela, Nicaragua, and Bolivia. Or as Snowden put it, “Prison it is!”
- There’s talk that a Broadway musical based on the life of rapper Tupac is in the works. So if you love Broadway musicals and gangster rap . . . well, you don't exist.
Comedian Argus Hamilton
- L.A. Dodgers rookie and Cuban refugee Yasiel Puig was named Major League Baseball Player of the Month his first month up. His is a typical American success story. Yasiel Puig has only been in Los Angeles thirty days and the INS says they have no way to find him.
- Bolivia's president was forced to land his plane in Vienna to see if NSA fugitive Ed Snowden was aboard Friday. It has economic repercussions. Bolivia's president is so insulted he just canceled his plans to flood the cocaine market and cut prices in time for Christmas.
- Old Glory flew above the U.S. Capitol higher than usual on July Fourth because the flag was made of hemp. It was pushed by legal hemp and pot advocates. Betsy Ross wove the first flag out of hemp and that explains why the revolution consisted of two battles in nine years.
- Cairo's streets were filled with protesters Friday against the coup that overthrew Egypt's Islamist regime. Our world today owes a huge debt to this nation's history and culture. Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt in the way everyone writes on walls and worships cats.
- Egypt's army placed deposed President Mohammed Morsi under house arrest Friday in a Cairo suburb. When Egypt's last revolution overthrew Hosni Mubarek the generals detained him in the same neighborhood. It's like Governor's Row at the Illinois State Prison.
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