Late Night Jokes: Gay Marriage, Hot Dogs, and the Fourth of July

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

• It is estimated that 150 million hot dogs will be consumed on the Fourth of July, and another 50 million eaten by a depressed Paula Deen.
• While 150 million sounds like a lot, that number actually dropped 3 percent from last year. According to the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council, the slump in sales is due to the increase in raw material costs. Maybe hot dog sales are declining because the people who eat them regularly die.
• I'm excited to know there is a National Hot Dog and Sausage Council. That is a council I'd like to be a part of.
• Researchers at the Center for Tobacco Control at Scotland University are working on an invention: Talking packs of cigarettes that warn smokers about the side effects of tobacco. I don't know; that actually might make me START smoking.
• Microsoft is testing a smartphone that can sense your mood, using a scope that tests your mood and shares them on media sites. I don't need that. I have a fiancee who can test my mood.

Real Time with Bill Maher

• The Supreme Court struck down the part of the Voting Rights Act which protected minority voting in areas where it needed to be protected. Their reasoning, as Judge Robert said, is that we don't need it anymore. Racism is basically over in America, so let's get back to talking about Trayvon Martin and Paula Deen.
• That Edward Snowden dude got out of Hong Kong, flew to Russia, has been in the Russian airport the whole week, but still no one can find him. When Sarah Palin today heard that he may be incognito, she called for a full scale invasion of Cognito.
• Texas state Senator Wendy Davis singlehandedly stopped a draconian abortion bill from getting passed in the Texas state legislature, stood up their filibustering for 12 hours. So I guess Todd Akin was right – women can shut that whole thing down.
• The Supreme Court has ruled that the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional. Here in West Hollywood, the gay community was out in the streets kissing each other, they went dancing, they closed up traffic. And then they heard about the ruling.
• Not everyone is taking advantage of the new law. John McCain and Lindsay Graham announced today that they're going to continue living secret lives of quiet desperation.
• Christian conservatives are furious about this. This has made them defensive. They say they are not bigots because they're against gay marriage. Now they say they're being bullied, demonized, and discriminated against. Yeah, how's that feel?
• The a**hole douchebag who runs Chick-Fil-A tweeted his disgust about the ruling. He said it was a sad day for the nation. Because gay sex is just icky. He said if you want something disgusting and unnatural lodged in your colon, it better be one of his sandwiches.

Comedian Argus Hamilton

• The Battle of Gettysburg was fought Sunday by re-enactors dressed in Blue and Gray uniforms and fighting under U.S. and Rebel flags. The U.S. flag is so different today. The fifty stars on Old Glory were recently replaced by fifty eyeballs that follow you everywhere.
• The Weather Channel saw record high temperatures in the Desert Southwest Monday, hitting one hundred twenty degrees. That's in the shade. Hotels in Palm Springs won't allow you to sunbathe by the pool unless you provide dental records that can identify you.
• Governor Jerry Brown asked for half a billion dollars to relieve prison overcrowding in California. He wants to lease county jail beds, hire private prisons and pay other states to take our excess prisoners. All signs indicate that Los Angeles is about to get an NFL team.
• Canada Day was marked by a parade in Toronto Monday to mark the British colony's independence. The U.S. and Canada have very close ties. However, a lot of Americans are getting sick and tired of Canadians fleeing to the United States just so they can go to war.