- The Vatican has confirmed a second miracle by the late Pope John Paul II, clearing the way for him to become a saint. Under church law you have to perform two miracles to become a saint. That seems a little strict, doesn't it? You perform a miracle — a miracle! And they say, "What else you got?"
- The daughter of baseball great Joe Torre, Christina Torre, is being called a hero today after she caught a baby that fell out of a two-story window in New York City. And not only that, but later she went over to Wall Street and caught a couple of stockbrokers that had just jumped out the window.
- Bad day on Wall Street — the stock market dropped over 350 points today. See, I knew Obama shouldn’t have come back home. I knew this was going to happen.
- Yesterday the FBI admitted they do use drones on U.S. soil for domestic surveillance. The FBI's Robert Mueller told Congress that he does sometimes use drones, but he said the good news is that these drones are made in America, by Americans, to spy on Americans.
Late Show with David Letterman
- During the summer all scandals will be reruns. That's a programming reminder from the White House.
- Did you see the pictures of Obama and Putin at the G-8 summit? It was like Thanksgiving with your relatives.
- See, the problem there is they have nothing to say to one another because they've been bugging each other's phones.
- Are you aware of the fact that Vladimir Putin stole a Super Bowl ring from the owner of the Patriots? Listen to this: Today he stole Ricki Lake's daytime Emmy. The guy's whacko.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
- Clothing designers Dolce & Gabbana are in a lot of trouble. They have been found guilty of tax evasion. They probably won't do any jail time. Which is a relief because stripes are out this year.
- The judge ordered Dolce & Gabbana to pay a huge fine. It could be high as $13 million. That's chump change for Dolce & Gabbana. Those guys giving up $13 million would be like Jay Leno giving up one car.
- It would be like Lance Armstrong giving up one syringe.
- Apparently, Dolce & Gabbana were an item for 23 years. They broke up in 2005 but still work together. That's got to be tough, working with an ex. I go through it every time Drew Carey's on this show.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
- Last night the White House staff played softball against a team made of marijuana lobbyists. Which explains why there were 20 hits before the game even started.
- The on-deck circle was a drum circle.
- Fashion designers Dolce & Gabbana have been sentenced to 20 months in jail for tax evasion. Their lawyers are appealing the sentence while Dolce & Gabbana are appealing the prison uniform. Orange is so last year.
- That's right. Dolce & Gabbana were convicted of tax evasion. It didn't help when the judge asked how they pled, and they were like "Fabulous?"
Comedian Argus Hamilton
- Paula Deen said she uses the N-word when joking and suggested that black waiters dress like slaves. Things even out. Paula Deen may be paternalistic toward blacks but her recipes have killed more white people than General Grant and O.J. Simpson combined.
- Oakland A's owners demanded league permission to move the team to San Jose after Sunday's pre-game stadium sewage spill. Both teams had to use the NFL Raiders locker room. As often as the Radiers get busted for drugs, you know that the toilets flush just fine.
- The American Medical Association classified obesity a disease Tuesday. The country is forty pounds overweight per capita. Young people won't believe this, but there was a time in the Seventies when two people could get into the hot tub without flooding the patio.
- The FBI foiled a plot by a GE technician to kill President Obama with an X-ray bomb after the Ku Klux Klan heard his plan and tipped off the feds. This is the last straw for liberals. President Obama has turned out to be so conservative that the Klan's got his back.
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