Late Night Jokes: Students Set Obama Straight

Now on Late Night Jokes: Seth Myers and Bill Maher. Let us know if there are other weekly or daily comedians you want to see on here. 

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

• Over the weekend President Obama gave the commencement speech at Ohio State University. He said, "I dare you to do better" — to which the students yelled back, "No, we dare YOU to do better. We need jobs!”
• Mexico's economy has been on the upswing the last couple of years. They're getting investors from companies all over the world. In fact, Mexico is now home to 11 million undocumented Americans.
• For the first time ever, girls in Saudi Arabia will be allowed to take part in school sports. Of course, their moms won't be allowed to drive them to practice. But hey, it's progress.
• Taco Bell's chief marketing executive says they are now working on a new low-end menu. What? You mean the stuff they've been serving is the high-end stuff?

Conan

• PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, "If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today."
• According to a new report, Al Gore now has more money than Mitt Romney. Gore said Mitt and I are living proof that if you're a boring white guy, anything is possible.
• A Catholic bishop from Massachusetts was arrested for drunk driving. He told the cop, "I'm a bishop. I'm supposed to move diagonally."

Late Show with David Letterman

• Sunday was Cinco de Mayo. I don't know exactly what that is, but I celebrate it.
• Cinco de Mayo is the day we honor people that we're trying to keep out of the country.
• Cinco de Mayo here in New York City is not as much fun as it used to be because Mayor Bloomberg has outlawed salt and alcohol.
• Also over the weekend was the Kentucky Derby. It featured a lot of things — a woman jockey and, as I understand it, the first openly black jockey.

Comedian Argus Hamilton

• Google Glass developers announced Thursday the glasses will be able to take photos with a wink of an eye. The photos and video you take with the eyeglasses go directly to the Internet. Bill Clinton has wished for the last time that he was twenty years younger.

Seth Myers 

• Senator Tom Coburn has introduced a new gun background check plan that would allow people to perform self-background checks before buying a gun. The way the plan works is, it doesn't.
• The NRA this week elected a new president, choosing Alabama lawyer Jim Porter who recently referred to Attorney General Eric Holder as 'rabidly un-American' and still calls the Civil War the 'War of Northern Aggression.' He's known around the NRA as 'Reasonable Jim.'
• Investigators are saying that on the night Dzhokhar Tsarnaev's picture was first made public, one of his college friends who was arrested on Wednesday texted Tsarnaev joking that he looked like one of the suspects. You know, when they say "if you see something, say something," they don't mean TO the terrorist.

Bill Maher

• Unemployment is at the lowest rate in four years and the stock market hit 15,000 for the first time, or as FOX News put it 'F**king Obama.' Always undoing George Bush's greatest accomplishments.
• A poll taken this week said that 44 percent of Republicans believe that armed rebellion may be necessary in the next few years to protect their liberties. You know what, I wish these fuck-ups would start their armed rebellion. I just want to see the look on their face when they walk out of the Waffle Hut and get smoked by a drone.
• So...44 percent of Republicans think an armed rebellion might be necessary in the next few years. So if you say most Republicans are f**king nuts, you'd be off by 7 percent.
• 70,000 gun nuts are meeting in Houston, Texas because the NRA is have their big convention down there. Which is actually good economic news for the city's hotels and restaurants, and also the hookers who generally prefer men with smaller penises.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

• It is raining in L.A. When it rains here, everybody loses their minds. In the rest of the country, everybody knows how the deal with weather, but in L.A. we don't. We're on storm watch 2013.
• It was very wet here in L.A. Nobody was walking anywhere. The traffic wasn't moving. And then the rain started.
• How wet was it? It's so wet today that NBC replaced Jay Leno with Aquaman.
• It was so wet, Reese Witherspoon got a DUI on a jet ski.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

• "Iron Man 3" made $175 million in the United States and $680 million worldwide. It's the second biggest opening behind "The Avengers," which proves something I have known for a long time. We are all nerds now.
• The only thing I didn't understand when I saw "Iron Man 3" was that Iron Man was in a lot of trouble and the world was in a lot of trouble but The Avengers were nowhere to be found. What happened? Did he lose their phone numbers? Did they unfriend him on Facebook?
• Where were The Avengers? Seems like if the president is being held hostage, maybe bring the guy with the hammer that shoots lightning bolts.
• I make it a policy to not get news from any network with an exclamation point in its name.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

• Yesterday President Obama spoke at Ohio State’s graduation, and told students that it’s their responsibility to make the world a better place. It got awkward when students were like, “Wait, isn't that literally your responsibility?”
• Over the weekend the Twitter account for the E! network was hacked. Apparently the hackers started tweeting fake stories about real celebrities — as opposed to what E! normally does, which is tweet real stories about fake celebrities.
• Some experts are saying that the 2016 Democratic presidential race could come down to Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden. Biden is calling her a worthy opponent, while Hillary is calling him “practice.”
• The National Park Service is launching a new campaign to attract younger visitors. It has a very creative slogan: “National Parks: Nobody Knows You're Drinking in Here.”