- President Obama was down in Texas on his “Middle-class jobs and opportunity tour.” Don’t confuse that with his first term. That was the "Middle-class jobs and MISSED opportunity tour."
- While President Obama was in Texas, he told people to "Remember the Alamo and forget about Benghazi."
- Sunday is, of course, Mother's Day, or as Kobe Bryant calls it, "April Fools' Day."
- Kobe Bryant is suing his mother over sports memorabilia of his that she’s selling to raise money. He claims she stole his stuff and she’s going to sell it. Now the mom is countersuing. She wants a full refund on her Lakers season tickets.
Seth Meyers: Weekend Update
- In order to appeal to women, the NRA is highlighting a number of products for women's self defense including purses with hidden handgun pockets, because if there's one thing women are good at, it's quickly retrieving something from their purse.
- It was reported this week that after American Idol's low ratings this season, all four judges will be replaced next season. Who will replace them? Find out this season on the all new reality competition show American Idol Judge Idol.
- A seven year old boy in Virginia was suspended from school after he pointed his pencil at a fellow student and said "bang." Even worse he pointed it at another student and said "would not bang."
- After 25 years on FOX, the reality show Cops will now be showing on SpikeTV. If you're not familiar with SpikeTV it's whats playing in the background when people get arrested on Cops.
- A new report lists Finland as the best place in the world to be a mother, the worst place? High school.
Late Show with David Letterman
- The Statue of Liberty is reopening on July 4. It has been closed since last year. What happened was she went in for lap band surgery.
- They're predicting a trillion cicadas for the northeastern part of the United States. They haven't been here in 17 years. When they got to New York City, they saw Yankee Stadium and the first thing they said was, "Wow, Mariano Rivera is still pitching!"
- Minnesota is legalizing gay marriage. Unfortunately, there are no gays in Minnesota.
- Next, Minnesota is going to legalize the Tony Awards.
- Carnival Cruise reported Thurday that two of its passengers on a South Pacific cruise liner either fell off or jumped off the ship and are lost at sea. It's amazing. Some people are willing to go seventy-five feet straight down in order to get clean water on a cruise ship.
- President Obama flew to Austin to kick off his jobs tour Thursday to highlight regions that are generating jobs. The Dow Jones just hit fifteen thousand and he's touting low-tax Texas as a model for job growth. President Obama needs to be able to do a good Ronald Reagan impression if he's going to ride out the Benghazi scandal without being impeached.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
- There is a big movie out today: "The Great Gatsby." Leonardo DiCaprio is a billionaire who can have any woman he wants, yet he never seems happy. I don't know who he plays in the movie.
- "The Great Gatsby" is based on F. Scott Fitzgerald's novel. I was surprised when I saw that it's in 3-D. I guess they wanted Fitzgerald's sardonic critique of materialism to come right at you.
- They should have jazzed up the movie's title as well. They should have called it something like "2 Fast 2 Gatsby."
- The movie has marketing tie-ins everywhere. Brooks Brothers has "Gatsby suits." The Plaza Hotel in New York is opening a "Fitzgerald suite." I think that is lovely. A room named after an alcoholic with tuberculosis who drove his wife mad before dying in his 40s. I want to stay in that room!
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
- President Obama has been going around the country to rally support for his economic plan, and yesterday he said that a lot of sectors of our economy are doing better. When pressed for examples, Obama said, “Uh — the 'Iron Man' sequel sector?”
- Whole Foods is apologizing for switching the labels on some salads, which caused vegans to accidentally eat chicken. So if you're a vegan who mistakenly ate one of the salads, that's why it was so delicious.
- A new poll found that 54 percent of Americans are tired of Justin Bieber. It gets even worse when you hear that they polled only 54 percent of Americans.
The Guy Mishearing the News is Back on Weekend Update:
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