The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
- According to a new study, our views on immigration are changing. For example, when asked if they support a path to citizenship, 40 percent of the respondents said, "Si."
- Baseball commissioner Bud Selig has announced the creation of a diversity task force. He said it’s time for baseball to begin letting in players who are not on steroids.
- Adam Levine, from “The Voice,” is here to talk about an extremely rare and unusual experience he had — he was on a hit show on NBC prime time!
- Actually, that’s not fair. The new NBC show “Hannibal” won its time spot last night. I thought “Hannibal” would do well. Cooking shows tend to be very popular.
- The Coachella Music Festival started today. It’s held every year in the California desert. A whole weekend of peace, love, and $10 bottles of water.
- What kind of a sadist decided to throw a huge concert in the middle of the desert, and then invite bands full of older musicians?
- This concert is hotter than Lillian Gish. That’s tonight's joke for senior citizens.
- Someday even One Direction will get old. I'm kidding. They will never age. It is part of their deal with Satan.
- Things are still very tense in North Korea. In fact, world leaders are still waiting to see if Kim Jong-un is going to actually fire a missile after this week’s deadline came and went. Apparently what happened was he messed up and bought Mentos and regular Coke.
- It’s looking like President Obama might actually get his gun control bill passed. Politicians are all weighing in, and yesterday Joe Biden said that some people buy guns because owning one feels like driving a Ferrari. At which point, Obama was like, “Stop helping.”
- Iran is gearing up for a big presidential election in June. Yeah, this year it’s gonna be a tight race between Ahmadinejad and the guy they picked to lose to Ahmadinejad.
- Because of budget cuts, the Navy may have to cancel Fleet Week, where thousands of sailors dock in New York City. Of course if you want to see a bunch of people glad to be off a boat, you could just wait for a Carnival cruise to come in.
Comedian Argus Hamilton
- Augusta National hosts the final round of the Masters today in Georgia. The club had a long year of forced social progress. Last year the board of directors admitted two women members, recognized Hawaii statehood and drastically reduced clubhouse slavery.
- New York's disgraced former U.S. Congressman Anthony Weiner said Sunday he might run for mayor of New York this year. Talk about nerve. The world is so ready to forgive North Korea for launching a missile, he thought he'd test the limits of everyone's tolerance.
- Kim Jung Un ordered his strategic rocket scientists to battle stations Thursday. The signs of war are evident. The U.S. Navy ordered anti-missile destroyers into the Sea of Japan, and Jane Fonda just flew to North Korea to be photographed sitting on a missile.
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