Conan
- New polling shows President Obama has a 10-point lead in Mitt Romney's home state of Michigan. Although in Obama's home state of Hawaii, Romney has a 10-house lead.
- McDonald's announced they're going to start posting for the first time ever the calorie count of their menu items. Not to be outdone, Cinnabon announced they will start announcing their death toll.
- A science experiment backfired and the school was evacuated in Texas. The experiment that backfired was trying to teach science in Texas.
- Hooter's restaurants are making an effort to bring in more female customers. They say they need to change the waitresses and the food. Other than that, they're fine.
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
- Tonight was the season premiere of "Glee." It's all about the cheerleader outfits, the heels, and the makeup. And when I'm done getting ready, I turn on the TV.
- I can't really relate to a show like "Glee" or any shows about high school. I dropped out when I was 17. And they frowned upon the Glee Club.
- "Glee" is a hit TV show. But the "Glee" movie was a flop. People were embarrassed to run into your friends at the theater.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
- For the first time in 28 years, scientists have discovered a new species of monkey. A new iPhone and a new monkey all in the same week. What are the odds?
- Fashion Week wrapped up tonight in New York. Leonardo DiCaprio was there checking out the new spring line of girlfriends.
- A new poll claims that 58 percent of Americans believe Barack Obama would beat Mitt Romney in a fistfight. I didn't realize that was an option. Maybe we can wrap this election up tonight. Make it a pay-per-view event. We could wipe out the national debt in one night.
- I like the idea of a fistfight to pick the commander in chief. Finally, my dream of a President Mike Tyson could become a reality.
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
- Yesterday in Nevada, President Obama said he'll win the election if the turnout is anything like it was in 2008. While voters said he'd win if he were anything like he was in 2008.
- A lot of people are complaining that the new iPhone 5 is taller than the last model, which means they have to buy a new case. In response, Apple issued an official statement saying, "Exactly."
- Today is National Fortune Cookie Day. I was going to celebrate, but only the proud man makes a spectacle of that which is best left unspoken.
- This week, a man in Missouri reeled in a live grenade when he went fishing. Or as one fish put it, "That's for my brother."
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