Conan
- Early this morning in Los Angeles police were involved with a high-speed chase with a suspect drawing a crowd by throwing money out the window. Is it me or is Mitt Romney getting desperate?
- Today Apple unveiled the iPhone 5, which is 20 percent lighter and 18 percent thinner. In fact, it's just a piece of paper that says, "You saps will buy anything."
- The company that made the Tupac hologram is filing for bankruptcy. The announcement was made by a company spokesperson — Elvis Presley.
- In Russia, a 122-year-old man has passed away. He credited his long life to abstaining from alcohol, tobacco, and women. His last words were, "I've made a huge mistake."
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
- Earlier tonight was a battle of music competition shows. NBC had "The Voice" and Fox had the season premiere of Simon Cowell's "The X Factor." Two very similar shows at the same time. There hasn't been a match-up like this since last month when the political conventions were on against "Honey Boo Boo."
- Simon is angrier than Clint Eastwood with an empty chair.
- I hate that every competition show has to have an English dude. I don't like watching judgmental English people being mean to struggling performers. If I wanted to see that, I would have stayed in Britain.
- Some people call "The X Factor" a rip-off of "American Idol." These people are called "correct."
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
- I know you're all expecting a big announcement about the iPhone. I do have a big announcement. There will be no iPhone 5 and no more new iPhones ever. The one we have now is plenty good enough.
- I thought of a great invention: the iPhone 6. You don't even have to order it. Apple has selected so much information about you that it knows you want it. It's coming to your house.
- McDonald's announced that starting next week they'll post calorie counts for all their menu items. I feel that when people see those numbers they'll think it's a contest — whoever eats the most calories wins nine-piece McNuggets or something like that.
- McDonald's says they're doing it so customers can make health-conscious decisions. They are eating at McDonald's. How health conscious could they be? The mayor of their town has a cheeseburger for a face. At that point you throw health conscious out the window.
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
- A new survey found that 34 percent of Americans do not have a Facebook or Twitter account. There's even a name for those people — productive.
- The president of Pepsi announced that he is leaving the company after less than a year on the job. The company isn't sure but they think he might have a Coke problem.
- A new ATM lets customers video conference with bank tellers if they need help. If you can't figure out an ATM by the year 2012, I'm sure video conferencing will be a piece of cake.
- A recent poll found that most Americans believe president Obama would be a more loyal friend than Mitt Romney. In other words, Obama is the guy holding your hair back in the bathroom while Romney uploads the drunk photos to Facebook.
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