The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
- It was 109 degrees today in Los Angeles. It was so hot today, Joe Biden was putting his foot in his mouth just to cool it off.
- President Obama visited a wind farm in Iowa. You know, just one wind farm with 50 turbines generates as much wind power as a single Joe Biden speech.
- According to a new poll, atheism is becoming more and more popular among Americans. God only knows why.
- A research group reports that video game sales are down for the eighth straight month. I'll tell you how bad it's been. The other day, I saw a 15-year-old kid riding a bike outside.
Late Show With David Letterman
- Mitt Romney has selected Paul Ryan as his running mate. They say this could be a big boost for the Republican ticket and I was thinking, "Well, Joe Biden could be a big boost for the Republican ticket, you know?"
- Biden has made too many mistakes for Obama and he's fed up. So today President Obama called Mitt Romney and asked Mitt if he would fire Biden.
- Republicans like Paul Ryan because they say he's a fiscal conservative. That's a perfect balance for Romney, who's a guy that has an elevator for his Cadillacs.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
- Today is National Relaxation Day. Today's the day when you can just check Facebook and not think about work, just like every other day here in America.
- I feel like between the medical marijuana, the massage chairs, and the Sleep Number mattresses, we're relaxed enough.
- Mitt Romney said he wants to cut funding for things like Amtrak and PBS, both of which are subsidized by the government. I don't like the idea of cutting funds for PBS. Things are bad enough already. One of the Muppets is living in a garbage can.
- A new Gallup poll shows that only 1 in 10 Americans approve of the job they're doing. A 10 percent approval rating is about the same approval rating that rabies has.
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
- The White House just revealed that it brews its own beer, and President Obama drinks it when he goes out campaigning — and even more of it when Joe Biden goes out campaigning.
- The U.S. military is sending surveillance blimps to monitor the U.S. border with Mexico. It's a great plan until everyone looks up and sees the blimps.
- A man who lost his memory used pictures on Facebook to piece his life back together. Or as most people call that, “Sunday morning.”
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